I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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