I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
