my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Randomize
