Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
