so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
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I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
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