went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
