Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
