I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
