Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
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