I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize