I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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