3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
