I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
