tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
