she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
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