u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
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