She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
