your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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