You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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