bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
