the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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