You're my little dorito
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Randomize
