Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
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he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
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i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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