$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I want her autograph on my taint
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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