Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Randomize
