Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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