I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize