I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
