you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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