you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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