Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Randomize
