Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
