why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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