I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
There's a naked man in my car right now.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
