Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
