there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
