I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
