The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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