my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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