you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
BRING THE BAGELS
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
