I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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