All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
A bitchslap is in order.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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