I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
