Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
