What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Randomize
