rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
There's always time for handjobs
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
