Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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