go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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