ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
