oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
