Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
