You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Still dying that you shit outside
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
