glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Randomize
