Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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