Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
