my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
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I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
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