i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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