i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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