He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
